Behind the Scenes of Me...

i = epic bloggingFAIL.

2009-03-05T23:23:00.002-05:00

yea...i like, don't post on here anymore... :( i feel bad. so, here's a wee update!

I FINISHED MY VEST!!! \o/ \o/ *squee!!* i'll post pics tomorrow, after i charge my camera :P
last post, said i was visiting drexel. well, LOVED IT!! it's my top school. ^_^
i had an awesome day....HSPAs done, vest done, someone complemented me and made me squeee (in my head, though lol).
i got my practice SAT's scores back. critical reading 610. math 630. writing 750. yea. now if i can score that for real on the 14 i would DIE of euphoria, especially because my mom said if i do, she'' cancel the may test. and maybe get me a blackberry. (she got one, i'm still peeved. though i have a chance now lol)

and here's a poem from a while ago, just so this post is worth something:

Happy.
What is it?
What does it mean?
It is the feeling you get
When you enjoy what you do
And appreciate whom you are with.
It is your demeanor
When you love yourself,
Your faults and strengths,
And you love your life.
Happy.
It feels like the sun on your skin
On a clear spring day.
Happy.
It fills your heart
And mind
With sunshine.
The world needs more happy.
But what is it?
How do we find it?
We find it
With love.

my angsty poems are better...though i'm still happy from my good day, so this was more fitting.

hopefully i'll be posting a wee bit more now...*crosses fingers*

time for homework lol.
till later. xo

mehhhhhhh

2009-02-17T00:46:00.002-05:00

yea. um. i feel like an uber lameface for not posting in forever....except for the fact that i don't think ANYONE AT ALL reads this damn thing...

i try writing and fail, either from writers block or from stress or i just forget...
i procrastinate everything humanly possible...
i think i just barely don't have enough fabric for my vest...
i have SAT class tomorrow (later today? whatever) and a full length test sunday...
i might be visiting drexel this thursday...
i have an effing dentist appointment tomorrow (later? again, whatever)...
i'm worried about something and i don't know what to do about a certain person...
i get distracted every time i try to read my freaking book that i've been wanting to read for a while...

so overall, f*ck my life. but, plus side: i have off this week. wahoo.

so yea...i think i might go to sleep soon...

ughhhhhhh

2009-01-25T17:09:00.002-05:00

i have midterms tuesday.
haven't studied at all really.
im screwed, and i don't totally care. because everyone's insane about it and i just...i can't do it. same with SAT junk. DAMNIT i'm so screwing myself over. and ughhhhh.

MIDTERMS = Man I Didn't Think Everyone Really Meant Studying

akfbsdhbcvdj.
i SHOULD NOT be on facebook and blogger and livejournal and aim/meebo and i SHOULD be doing something at least somewhat productive even if it's not studying. DAMNIT.

and i just had a revelation: i'm not studying for all these fucking tests because they scare me shitless. GREAT. :|

i guess i'm off to do some math review because my friend is finally online and i guess i'll work with him...
till later (if i survive midterms). xo

cartoonize the twilight universe - and the WORLD!

2009-01-19T00:43:00.002-05:00

this blog is so cool! Cartoonize the World has made cartoons of rpattz and kstew! i believe they're cartoonizing someone from the twilight cast once a week, plus the same scenario with the harry potter cast (they've just done daniel radcliffe), and also lots of other celebs. go check it out, they're amazing!! :]

wow i'm lame

2009-01-12T20:11:00.003-05:00

so yea...i'm lame. i barely post on here anymore. i sit with my books open in front of me for HOURS and don't start my homework...i wonder if i actually have ADD, or am just a BEASTLY procrastinator...or just a normal teenager. hmm.

anyhoo. at the bottom of my blog i have now added a funny little thing i found at the Cartoonize the World blog. i got excited in my strange obsessive fangirl ways and decided to snag and post it. so yea. :P

now i'm hopefully going to actually go my homework (like i've been saying i definitely would for the past...oh, 2+ hours?), since my spanish book is sitting open under my laptop as i type...

till later. xo

wooohoooo!

2009-01-03T22:34:00.000-05:00

eep i got my new headphones yesterday!!!! they're so freaking amazing, exactly what i wanted!!! ^.^ i love them so so so sooooo much!!! *jumps up and down and squeals*

*deep breath* ok i think i'm good now. ;)

so yea. oh and before i found my headphones in the mailbox, i had gone to cherry hill to meet with my college counselor. he gave me a LOT to think about now: i might not be going on a USY summer trip this summer - instead i would intern with my aunt in Los Angeles (she has a clothing line, and i've wanted to intern with her for years - it is a "golden opportunity" as my counselor called it)...i have to think about what kind of school i want to go to...if i want a school with a fashion program or not...if i want to study business or not....so yea, lots to ponder.

i just got back from the movies. saw slumdog millionaire. was decent...but weird.

so yea, guess that's it. i have a lot to do tonight and tomorrow: homework i've put off all of break, finish filling out the college chart i made, writing, roleplaying (that i am now in love with heehee).

till later. xo

woohoo

2009-01-01T02:17:00.001-05:00

haaaaaaaaappy new yearrrrrrr!!!! *<:)

i must be mentally challenged...

2008-12-31T03:26:00.000-05:00

i was just caught at 3 AM on my laptop with the light on and music playing. i'm a dunce. shouldda turned my light off 2 hours ago at least - closing the door doesn't do much...shouldda turned the music down a weeeee bit... and worse is that i lied that i'd fallen asleep on my laptop and was about to close it - doubt my mom believes me... and my mom said "no new year's party. tell your friends you're being punished and there's no party." (i invited over like 6 people...we got a ton of sodas and food today for it, and the people my parents are having over). now i'm praying to god that it's just a threat cause then she'd be wasting a lot of money and i'd be royally FUCKED. and what could be worse than all that? you guessed it: i opened my laptop as soon as it sounded like my parents were back in bed. i am addicted. i am a nutter (as i've been called so many times by aaron... xP )

so yea i think im going to go to sleep now, cause i've wasted too much time on here and i have a lot of cleaning and being good to do tomorrow/later...

till later. xo

this is so exciting!

2008-12-29T19:00:00.001-05:00

well...sorta. i think it is at least. so i had sent a pic of my eclipse fan art to Twilighters, and i just decided to check the fanart on their site, and, low and behold, MINE WAS UP THERE!!! with my name under it!!!! i squealed and decided to post the link up here. so, here ya go!

http://twilighters.org/gallery/displayimage.php?album=lastup&cat=25&pos=0

till later. xo

when I caught myself, I had to stop myself, I'm saying something that I should have never thought.

2008-12-28T14:37:00.002-05:00

so i got the twilight soundtrack from shoshemoo (LOVE YOU!!) for hanukkah while at IC, and yesterday (or the day before...?) i uploaded it onto my laptop and ipod, and i've been listening to it on repeat since then. i am obsessed with it and i love it so much. especially I Caught Myself, by Paramore (hence the title of this post). and i've been reading lotsa fanfics in the past 2 days. i even umm...*cough* wrote one of my own... i was told it's really good, but it's definitely embarrassing to post it anywhere, for more reasons than one...which is why i'm debating against making a livejournal to post my writings... maybe i'll write one thats a bit *cough*cleaner*cough* and post it....but most likely won't end up on here...especially cause i don't think anyone reads my shittastic blog anymore...or ever even has without my prompting my friends to do so.

i feel very useless and depressed and anti-social these days... that is the ONLY reason i don't like winter break after IC... i should probably call the veneres and nail down new years more...

till later. xo

i'm hoooooome!!

2008-12-27T02:27:00.001-05:00

hi everyone! (or no one...i wonder if anyone reads my blog anymore, if anyone even ever did...) so i'm home from IC DC, and a part of me is still depressed and vehemently wishing i was still there. but i've had a day or so (and 12 hours of sleep and even more time just sitting around) to cheer me up a bit, so i've decided to come back on and tell you all (or myself...?) that i had loads of fun at IC! i'm not going to bore you (or myself...?) with all the details, or really any at all. just that it was a blast seeing some MM-BusH-07-ers and meeting lotsa new people, and going to the zooooo (and having zoo adventures...heehee halli and frankie and emily ^.^) and the national mall, and just hanging around the GINORMOUS hotel and tickling each other.

and yes i know that it happens to be after 2:20 AM but i am not really all that tired, if at all, being that i woke up at 2 and did almost nothing all day, so i am very rested...and i'm feeling a bit of those creative writing juices coming on, so i'll go satisfy the craving...

hope everyone is having a lovely winter break, and happy holidays!!

till later. xo

sorry!! here's a bit of an update!

2008-12-18T22:34:00.004-05:00

hey! so sorry that it's been so long since my last post. i just...didn't have anything i felt was worthy of posting. here's a teensy random bit of updates:

i took the ACTs last saturday...not fun. at all. :|
i'm missing hebrew school - and the finals - this sunday, because of IC (don't worry i'll explain it in a bit), and i don't have classes till january 9! woohoo! sundays are (temporarily) for sleeping! but i have to take the finals on the 30th...oh well. inevitable.
i don't have my tuesday night 3 hour SAT class till january 6! - though my mom is having me go to the extra math class the tutor is having the night of the 30th...blechhhh.
i have USY's International Convention on sunday, with preconvention this weekend - i leave school early tomorrow (if i have it, that is... *crosses fingers for snow*)!!! and i still have to pack, which i happen to be taking a (long) break from...hehe. ^_^
there's supposed to be a ridiculous snowstorm tomorrow, hopefully getting me out of school early at least. some of my friends already know they have a snow day. NOT FAIR, ya LUCKY SOBs!! haha just kidding!...but seriously. they're so lucky.
the new moon movie comes out november 20, 2009!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHH!!! *fangirl screech* and i'm soooo hoping jacob isn't recast, i'd be SO DEPRESSED!! :'( (if you're confused by that, go look on Twilighters or Bite Me: A Twilight Podcast)
i emailed my eclipse fan art to Twilighters, too. waiting for a response or something...not sure really what i'm waiting for or why, actually...i have no clue. oh well. :) i hope it gets on the site.

umm....yea. that's all i can think of to post...

so i won't be posting again until at least the 25th, cause i'll be at IC. so don't worry, it isn't because i was mauled by wolves or attacked by vampires.... ;) hehe.

hope everyone has a good vacation, and happy holidays!!

till later. xo

new music!

2008-12-08T17:12:00.003-05:00

hey all!! i wound a widget of the Twilight soundtrack over at His Golden Eyes !! so obviously i changed my blog's music from the wonderful I'm Yours by Jason Mraz to the beloved Twilight soundtrack.

i'm also about to add other various twilight widgets to my page. tell me what you think!!

thanksgiving

2008-11-30T14:19:00.003-05:00

i hope everyone had a happy thanksgiving! mine was pretty chill. i got to sleep till 11:20 and sit around all day, finish twilight and work on a story i'm writing. and i didn't supereat, so i didn't feel sick - not that i really ever eat a lot on thanksgiving...

i got my haircut friday and it's exactly what i wanted!! it so cute, and i got lots of complements ;)

ohhh and SHOSHE LOVES TWILIGHT! she texted me "you win. i love twilight!" saturday, and i was like HAHA! she saw the movie and loved it, but she said she knows what happens in the saga because of the internet. i was like "NOOO! EPIC FAIL!! GO READ!!" she said she will and we can talk about it at USY International Convention in December! hee hee. ^_^

i went to a sweet 16 last night and it was lots of fun. i wore a red dress, black peep-toe heels and my hair straight and clipped back on the sides.

i managed to sleep (at least relatively) late every day over the 4 day weekend ^.^ but i also managed to go to sleep way too late every night - at 1 or later, usually falling asleep over my computer and waking up with everything still on. last night, for example, i fell asleep over my computer at like 2:10 (after my dad had come in over an hour before telling me to go to sleep) and woke up at 2:40 with my face on the keyboard when my mom came in confused and almost yelled at me. i hope i can get to sleep at a decent hour tonight...

so um....yea. i have nothing else to write...so i'm going to go read for english...

till later. xo

fan art

2008-11-26T18:34:00.008-05:00

i made this fan art a week or so ago at hebrew school - i was so bored - and i forgot to upload it till now....i'll end up submitting it to a website in the next couple days.

wow, i think it looks better in the picture than it does in person....

till later. xo

um....yea.

2008-11-26T18:27:00.002-05:00

*british accent* 'ello, 'ello! sorry it's been so long, loves, i've had a lot to do in the past few days. *end british accent* (heehee sorry bout that, i thought that in a british accent in my head, so i figured you should know that too.)

so since the movie i've been a bit busy - and lazy - so i haven't been able to post, let alone have i had much to post about. but now i sort of do!

i happen to be rereading twilight for the fourth time, and i plan to finish it by tomorrow afternoon so i can lend it to a friend (if she doesn't buy it tonight after seeing the movie - i'll explain in a bit) for the weekend, and be able to finally read my book for english that happens to be due next friday. i hope i can see the movie at some point this weekend, between all the eating and sleeping off the food and reading and a party and other things. i changed my desktop again - i saved all the pictures to a folder and set my desktop to circulate the pictures every 5 minutes. it happens to be pretty exciting to see the desktop change, and what picture it'll be - or it could just be my easily-amused self that thinks that. ;) and i made a bunch of wallpapers/desktop images via the asset builder on thetwilightsaga.com - it's pretty fun, though restricted as to what the backgrounds, foregrounds and fonts you can use. for some i used quotes from the saga, and a couple others i used themes/ideas from the saga to inspire my own phrases. here's a wallpaper i made, probably my favorite though it's tough to decide:

so...hmmm. what else is there for me to post about?

~ i'm reading my farin's harry potter fanfic, and so far i LOVE it!

~ tonight i'm hanging out with BCHers, including zara and peter! oh and zara came to school today, and when i saw her i almost threw twilight down and ran to her, almost jumping literally onto her ;)

~ i didn't help my mom at all today with cooking - not that i would do much anyway, considering i'm an easily skeeved-out vegetarian...

~ i found out that two of my friends - one is the person i might lend my book to, amanda, and the other is my super-close love/wife/one-of-my-bestest-friends sushimushi-shoshe-moo - are BOTH seeing the movie BEFORE reading the book!!! >:( i made them promise to read the book after they see it, then see it again.

amanda just called me and said she LOVED the movie!! i'll be giving her the book tomorrow afternoonish after i finish it.

holy crow there was something i was just about to type and i TOTALLY FORGOT!! mehhhh. oh well. so i'm off to put my shoes on before i get picked up for tonight.

AHH i remembered!! i downloaded the fonts from the twilighters website, and i used them. they're so fun and pretty, and make me really happy. :D

till later. xo

movie recap - don't worry, no spoilers!

2008-11-22T12:28:00.001-05:00

now that i've had time to chill and catch up on sleep, i'm here to give my opinion of the Twilight movie. i promise i won't spoil it at all - i'm only going to say general things/opinions and mention things that we knew before it came out.

so as i mentioned in my last post, i LOVED it! i though it was very well done - acting, effects, story, filming, ALL of it. they included the most important parts of the story. they did change a couple minor parts/scenes, but those changes made the movie flow even better. the actors were perfect for their characters. the scenery and sets were beautiful. there were a couple supremely minor aspects and scenes - including the sparkle effect - that were a bit iffy, but it was fine. i was squealing and laughing and nearly crying at all the points that mattered.

there were also those fans of the saga that hated the movie - that's inevitable and understandable. the thing is, some people are expecting it to be EXACTLY like the novel, and it CAN'T be. the screenwriter has to make a 500+ page book into a 2 hour movie, so things are going to change and others will be left out. there is one or two things that weren't in there that i miss, but it doesn't take away from the movie much, if at all.

i also feel that this is the kind of movie that hardcore fans of the novel will need to see more than once: the first time it's like "OH MY GOSH! what parts of the book are in the movie? how do they show this? do they include that? how does it compare to the book?" and such; but the second time, you'll watch it for what it is, separate from the book and not comparing the two. so yes, i plan on seeing it again - more than once more. (my mom and sister are planning on seeing it, and i said i'd go with them. i'm trying to convince them to read it before, but they're both complaining that they don't have time or it'll take them too long to read it. oh well - they'll read it eventually. :D they promised.)

i highly recommend the movie to everyone, regardless of whether you've read it and your gender and age. if you read the novel before, you get a better feel for the characters and storyline, but you don't NEED to read it to understand the movie.

so, that's my review of the movie, as a hardcore Twilighter.

till later. xo

at the movie, obviously i saw tons of my fellow twilighter school friends. but, i also ran into my wifey farin! i missed her so much, we hadn't seen each other in so long!! she got a haircut and it's sooo pretty!!! LOVE YOU FARIN!!!! <3 class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);">;P

OHMYEDWARD PHENOMENAL!!

2008-11-21T02:41:00.002-05:00

AHH!!! i just got home from the movie about 5 minutes ago and OHMYEDWARD i am STILL flipping out!! it's ridiculously late - well early, really - so i'll just leave you with the statement:

*fangirl squeal* the movie was SO GOOD! i LOVED it!! there were tons of people there - they just about filled at least 5 theaters at AMC at Garden State!!!

so i need to go to sleep...haha. i'll probably write more later.

till then. xo

Estee*Bella

LESS THAN 7 HOURS!!

2008-11-20T17:29:00.004-05:00

THERE'S LESS THAN 7 HOURS TILL THE MOVIE!!! AHHH!!!!

i've pretty much finished my homework already, and i fixed my shirt (i'll try to get some pics up soon) and i started rereading - not sure if i'll finish, let alone if i'll have time to. i'm going to try to persuade my parents to drive with me (i only have my permit so i can't drive myself) over to the A&P to pick up those Starbucks frappuccino drinks and some other sugary goodness for later. and i should study for my spanish vocab quiz tomorrow...but first, look:

^ my desktop now ^

i'll probably update again soon!

TOMORROW!!!!

2008-11-19T22:22:00.000-05:00

OHMYEDWARD!!! THE MIDNIGHT SHOWING OF TWILIGHT IS TOMORROW NIGHT!!! TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW!!!!! I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT FOR MORE THAN A MINUTE AT A TIME!!!

tomorrow to school i'm wearing the shirt halli and i made for the Breaking Dawn release, and the shirt megan, elizabeth and i made for halloween. so i'm going as Bella (aka my other self, heehee), but not as all-out as i was on halloween. i'm being picked up at 9:30 tomorrow night (which is in less than 24 hours!) then we'll pick up liz and megan 15 minutes later. then we'll head to AMC at Garden State Plaza and wait online and talk all about the book/movie and read Seventeen magazine (has an article about the Twilight guys!). we'll have lots of sugary caffeinated goodness to keep us awake (which shouldn't be hard - we'll be bouncing off the walls with the energy from the sheer excitement!!) until we get seated, then we'll bounce around and squeal in our seats until the movie starts!!! *fangirl scream* AAAAAAAAHH!!! (obviously i am ABSURDLY excited! just be glad you're READING the sound effects, and not actually hearing them ;D ). it'll end around 2, we'll get home around 2:30 and to sleep by 3, then get up for school 3 hours later! woohoo!! (*next morning goes to starbucks and gets the biggest size coffee they offer - or maybe two of them ;) depends on consciousness level*)

so tomorrow during fashion design i will be completing the fixing process of my Bella jersey so i can wear it tomorrow night. i did some of it today - i ran out of time since we did some stuff relating to the class - and it worked really well, so the teacher said i could finish in class tomorrow!!

so i'm off to finish my spanish homework and go to sleep super early - for me anyway! i'll post after the movie - and maybe even before, too! heehee.

till later. xo

mini-update

2008-11-17T20:38:00.003-05:00

so here's a bit of an update to my life:

~ i saw madagascar on saturday with "im. was a bit awkward, but fun. and the movie was cute. after the movie we stood outside waiting for my parents for about 10 minutes, and the WHOLE TIME a war was raging in my head whether i should just reach my hand over...or lean my head...or just SAY something. and by the

time i finally decided i would just say something, my parents drove up. i was really upset at myself. then my mom and i yelled at each other about college/SATs/tutors after we dropped "im off, which made me even more angry - but a different type of anger. the depression mellowed out the frustration, and vise versa, so my traitor tears were on the border, unsure of which side of the world to be on - on the outside where they could be seen and felt and give salvation, or just watch from their r

eserves inside me waiting to recruit more until i lose control and they just brim over. they chose the latter.

~ yesterday (sunday) after hebrew school i went with USY (including a couple of my best friends - sless and jan-jan) to the Jewish Home at Rockleigh. we brought residents into the social hall and were "backup singers", then were asked to sing a bit. we soon found out that the scheduled performer/visitor couldn't come, so we became the show. we sang for the residents, and they were adorable! they had so much fun - and so did we. :) last night was the second-to-last episode of Trueblood! i can't believe the season's almost over :( ...oh well. hehe. moving on.

~ today in fashion design i got to make an apron for the school play, The Miracle Worker! i think im going to the play, mostly becaus

e i helped make stuff and i want to see how it turned out ^.^ and also because a bunch of my friends are in it. oh and i found out my friend zara is coming home from college in 7 days! i miss her so much, i can't wait to see her!!

~ i am so freaking excited for Twilight - 3 days 3 hours 22 minutes!! i am going INSANE!! i announce the remaining time every single period at school (at least quietly to myself and maybe to a friend too, depending on the class) - maybe more than once each period!! oh, and my desktop has grown yet again. hee hee. (picture is below.) i need to fix my Bella shirt - i should have done that today, actually...shit. maybe i can do that tonight, before My Own Worst Enemy?

my desktop has grown. O:)

ahh that turned out to be a lot longer than i planned on typing...oh well, that happens to me often. i should probably go do homework and SAT work before My Own Worst Enemy (and taylor lautner! heehee) at 10.

till later. xo

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!

2008-11-17T13:50:00.002-05:00

ATTENTION! ATTENTION!! IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:

3 DAYS 10 HOURS 10 MINUTES TILL

thank you, that is all.

half days are awesome

2008-11-13T23:24:00.004-05:00

i love half days of school. they're pretty awesome. especially when you have NO HOMEWORK!! so today i came home and chilled, then went to the garden state plaza with my mom for late lunch and to return some stuff. i got 4 pairs of shoes: everyday sneakers (bright colors and comfy), tennis sneakers (VERY necessary, and nice), flats (so cute and funky!) and wedges (adorable and sort of preppy). i'm so excited to wear them! heehee. ^.^

we came home to grab my sister and went to the fabric store, and i got the stuff i need to make my pants in fashion design at school, and to make my friend aaron his twilighter tshirt. my sister wanted to buy fabric to make a bubble skirt, but she has no sewing/garment-making experience AT ALL, so she was just going to buy fabric and do whatever she thought was right. she wanted to just make something, didn't care if it would fit - she doesn't realize or understand how much work goes into making a garment! i trie

d to explain it to her, and she pretty much ignored me. my mom tried to explain it to her, and tried to find a pattern for her to use - we were unsuccessful - then just told her not to get fabric and that she would sign my sister up for a class. so my sister was upset, and i feel bad for upsetting her, and according to my mom, "crushing her dream" (she said something along those lines). so i offered to try to teach my sister, and to have her help me when i work on stuff, and to ask my fashion teacher if she has anything that my sister could use/learn from.

on a more positive note: 7 DAYS 36 MINUTES till TWILIGHT!!! im sooooo freaking excited you have NO IDEA!! i constantly count down. i think about it at least once every hour. i check twilighters.org extremely often for updates. i talk about it A LOT with my friends. my laptop's desktop is completely decked-out in Twilight stuff (picture below). i have a countdown on my laptop and closet door and in my school planner. i've downloaded every trailer itunes has to offer. whenever i post a comment on a website, i post as some variation of "Estee*Bella*Cullen". i got rosalie's necklace and i've worn it every day since i got it last thursday (minus today...hmm, i don't know why i didn't wear it today, honestly...). i have the Twilight calendar from Borders on my wall, with the movie date circled in pink highlighter and written in (since i got the calendar before they moved the movie date, it says it comes out in december, which is WRONG - IT COMES OUT IN A WEEK FROM TONIGHT!!). ive recruited handfuls of people to read the saga. and i plan on rereading Twilight next week once i get it back on sunday from the friend i loaned it to for this past week.

^ my laptop's desktop ^

so yea, i am a hardcore twilighter. got a problem with that?

good. you shouldn't. because you should be a fan too.

i'm off to get ready for bed.

till later. xo

update: college roadtrip to boston!

2008-11-08T21:29:00.003-05:00

hello, hello my reader! sorry it's been a while since my last post - i had a bunch going on, and i went on a college roadtrip wednesday night to friday afternoon. so here's a small update of what's going on in my life nowadays...

so i went on a college roadtrip, organized by a bunch of JCCs through northern New Jersey. we went to boston. what a drive that was... on wednesday, the bus was supposed to pick me and the people from the tenafly JCC up around 6:30. the bus finally came between 7:30 and 8. we finally got on the bus, and were en route to boston. it was pouring out and the windshield wipers weren't working right, so the bus had to drive slow. the ride took about 6 hours; we watched 3 movies and slept uncomfortably. i felt really bad, though, for the people who had gotten on before the tenafly stop (which was basically everyone), because they had an extra hour or two on that stinking bus.

so we finally got to boston at 1 AM, and went to our rooms. got up at 6:30 for breakfast starting at 7:15 to leave the hotel at 7:45. we went to Boston University and toured the campus IN THE RAIN, then visited the hillel; i liked the school. then we were off to Brandeis, definitely my favorite of the weekend. i loved the feel of the school, and that it's suburban but only 8 miles from boston. we had lunch at brandeis's cafeteria (where i saw two guys i go to school with - it was really funny) then went to northeastern, where had another tour and saw the hillel. it was nice, but i didn't like the feel of it as much.

then, we got to shop at thaniel hall and quincy market for FOUR HOURS!! i got a necklace with my name on a piece of rice, a boston postcard/picture, a funny pin and Rosalie's necklace from Twilight - yea thats right, i got it! there was some small store that had a bunch of merch from the movie and i could not resist. and we splashed through puddles and my uggs got soaked and stained my socks. and we had starbucks - yummmm vanilla frap ^_^

so then friday we got up at the same time and drove to uconn, saw the hillel then toured the school a bit. then we drove about 2 hours then stopped to grab subway (YUM!!) and drove the rest of the way home. i sat around the rest of the day. :) so i liked all 4 schools, and i need to do some more research. but the roadtrip was definitely a good idea - it gave me a general idea of what i want in a school and the things i'll need to ask about at future college visits.

today i slept till 11:45. it was so nice, i was so exhausted (and still am...hehe). and i just got back from babysitting, and should do my physics homework...tomorrow with hebrew school i'm going to see Young Frankenstein! i'm so excited (and my outfit is really cute heehee)

so i'm off to watch SNL and maybe do physics.

till later. xo

pretty chill

2008-11-02T16:31:00.001-05:00

ughhhhh.

so i had a very uneventful day yesterday - not that that's necessarily a bad thing. i slept till 1:15 then i finished the book i was reading: Miss Match by Erynn Magnum. (it's about a Christian 23-year-old photographer named Lauren Holbrook who is basically a matchmaker for her family and friends, and a successful one at that. she vowed to stay single forever; but as her plans unravel she reconsiders this vow and her role as cupid, and she realizes that god's plan may just be good enough without her intervention. it was a good book, but i'm not sure if i'll get the sequel to it, Rematch.) and, i finished my history assignment - a letter to the assistant principal about an educational reform i would like to see in the school, of which i chose to change the way summer reading is assigned, and i think i made a good argument. and i have almost no other homework otherwise.

and in the evening, i finally hung out with him. ^_^ we watched harry potter 3. it was nice, fun. that should lead to hanging out more... o.O hehe.

so i finally started reading Pendragon like i was recommended to over the summer. i don't mind it, really, it't not that bad - kind of cool, actually. and, i made a deal with a guy friend, andrew fox, that if i read Pendragon he would have to read Twilight. so he should be starting it this week or so. :D

since the rents and sis just left for the evening, i have the house to myself to do some quiet reading or studying or check facebook. so i'm off to do some of that stuff...

till later. xo

ps: any suggestions for a book to read for an independent reading assignment for english class? comments with suggestions would be much obliged...

jolt

2008-11-01T16:47:00.003-04:00

people are kind of stupid and confusing. most need a jolt of insight. at least a tiny one.

especially my sister. she asked me how to spell about 6 simple words, one right after the other. i yelled to her to learn to spell and get a dictionary. she kept asking me. i got up, got a dictionary, and threw it down the stairs to the basement to her. that shut her up. ;D

i happen to have had a small jolt of insight myself. i realized that i can't wait for someone to ask me, to initiate the conversation i want. i need to call them. and i don't think i can...

i'm off to debate whether to follow the insight or not...

till later. xo

ps: Twilight movie tickets are officially on sale! and elizabeth's & megan's dad is getting me one and is driving me, so my parents have no reason to say no!! especially because i know i brought up my two unfortunate grades this marking period!! ^.^ woohoo!!

nothing.

2008-10-28T22:20:00.002-04:00

i've really got nothing interesting to post about today.

the power almost went out at school, because of the rain. i got a 95 on my math quiz yesterday, bringing my average up to an 81. i got a 99 on my spanish quiz 2 days ago, which definitely brought my average up from a 79 (but i don't know the exact number). my last PSAT class was today - next week is the actual SAT class.

my day overall was good until i got home and i thought about some stuff...then i was upset. which killed my afternoon. and made me exhausted.

so yea. um. 23 days till Twilight movie. and there we sneak previews to it on ABC family during the season finale of GREEK but i couldn't watch - my neighbor recorded the show (she watches it) and said i could come over and watch the commercials with Twilight. wahoo.

yea. sorry for being so unenthusiastic. i'm upset and tired. :( i hope tomorrow's better...

till later. xo

My Own Worst Enemy = amazing!

2008-10-27T23:31:00.002-04:00

so that (relatively) new show My Own Worst Enemy on NBC is awesome. Christian Slater is great as a guy with an artificial split personality (i guess that's what it's called, in a few words...hehe). and Taylor Lautner is on every other episode or so, for about 5 minutes each time - that makes the show worth it, even if it was lame.

but its not lame. not at all.

it's actually really cool.

and confusing...but duh. a guy that has an artificial split personality is confusing, especially for the guy. so i think you should watch next week my reader. though you'll be relatively flustered and overwhelmed...just go read the synopsis and recaps, maybe even find the past episodes online. it's worth watching.

so that's all. time for bed.

till later. xo

heyyyyy

2008-10-27T20:25:00.004-04:00

so let me open by saying: LESS THAN 25 DAYS TILL THE TWILIGHT MOVIE!!

and more on that: so my mom finally connected the fact that i plan to see the movie at midnight when it comes out, which is a thursday night. and i basically told her i plan on going no matter what she says. ;D she plans on calling mrs. venere (my friends' mom) to talk about it. i'm praying we all get to go! *crosses fingers*

and i keep looking for more ideas/details for my Bella Cullen costume for friday. i basically have everything i need, minus the shirts megan is working on. i just need to figure out how i plan to make Bella's scars on my neck and/or wrist(s)...

and i had NO HOMEWORK today!! (minus a bit of review for a possible spanish preterite pop quiz sometime this week). so i literally chilled all of tonight, other than about 45 minutes of some somewhat-unnecessary, technically-PSAT-review/practice SAT work for my last (technically-PSAT) SAT class tomorrow night. i didn't bother with a lot of it. ;) i'll be sure to skim some math work in a bit.

and i'm not sure where megan, elizabeth and i are going for halloween. and i'm debating inviting someone to come with us. but this person did last year, and it may be ridiculously awkward again... and, elizabeth, megan and i will have somewhat matching costumes (all being from Twilight saga universe), so said person may feel a bit excluded, especially since i don't think they really know much of anything about Twilight anyway... hmm. i need to think about this.

and i need to go call megan and elizabeth about some ideas/details i though of/found. and i think i want to go write more of my story... before My Own Worst Enemy comes on at 10.

till later. xo

new favorite song...

2008-10-26T19:28:00.004-04:00

so my new favorite song is I'm Yours by Jason Mraz. it's like always stuck in my head, and i love it. *sigh*

here's the lyrics to the beginning of the song:

Well, you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but your so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, now I'm tryin to get back
before the cool done run out I'll be givin it my best test
and nothin's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait
I'm yours

i tried to embed the song on my page, it should automatically play. and here's a link to the lyrics: http://artists.letssingit.com/jason-mraz-lyrics-im-yours-2008-lmcfr63

go vote!

2008-10-26T14:26:00.003-04:00

entertainment weekly is having their entertainer of the year contest! go vote/nominate someone! *COUGH* STEPHENIE MEYER/TWILIGHT CAST *COUGH COUGH*

here's my vote/nomination:

Estee Bella Cullen Sun, Oct 26, 2008 at 01:21 PM EST
I definitely vote Stephenie Meyer or anyone from the Twilight cast and crew! They definitely deserve it! Stephenie has worked so hard in the past few years to make her saga so phenomenal, and the movie cast/crew is going straight to an intensely amazing movie. The Twilight universe is loved by millions, and everyone involved worked so hard to get that level of adoration from fans. And, everyone involved handles the stardom so well! STEPHENIE MEYER AND TWILIGHT CAST MEMBERS FOR ENTERTAINER(s) OF THE YEAR!!! ^,..,^

so what are you still doing here at my blog?! go vote now!

http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2008/10/entertainer-yea.html?cid=136451103#comment-136451103

hmm...untitled. yes thats what i'll call this post. ;)

2008-10-25T21:57:00.002-04:00

wow. today's weather was awful. good thing i decided not to drive today. (plus i got up at 12...hehe). my dad offered i drive to Cresskill to pick up my sister from a friend's house, but i refused. don't think that was stupid - it was pouring out, and Cresskill is far! plus i'm just totally overall lazy today - in part form the weather, and in part from my comfort of being in my pajamas for most of the day, and i wanted to read more of Breaking Dawn (i'm on chapter 34 of 39, A.K.A. page 649 of 754, since late monday night (or was it already tuesday morning?). i don't read constantly, though i bring it to school; it's just that when i DO read, especially when i have time to blow off doing other things, i read A LOT.)

so the teen vogue fashion show and concert were so fun!! it was so cool seeing a real/legitimate fashion show, and i saw The Whigs, live! they are awesome - i got one of their CDs, a poster and a sticker. i tried to upload one of their songs, but it didn't work. it shouldn't be hard to find their songs online somewhere, though (i'm not doing that for you, my reader, sorry. you're on your own. ;) ).

and tonight i'm babysitting my cousins...not the ideal way to spend my saturday night, but it's basically the same as just chilling by myself at home. *sigh* oh well...

oh and yea, about my post title: i couldn't think about anything to call it, so i said "hmm...untitled. yea, that's what i'll call it." hence, the title of my post! :)

so i'm going to get back to reading, and maybe get to do some homework...

till later. xo

PERMIT!

2008-10-23T22:41:00.003-04:00

so today i had my last driving lesson right after school. i drove up and down route 17 easily, and parallel parked amazingly (after two unsuccessful tries, because i wasn't close enough to the cones...hehe). so, yes, I GOT MY PERMIT!! WOOHOO!!

so that made me really happy after finishing a mediocre day at school with an english test on the scarlet letter, which i felt very confident of. and while i was home for about 2 and a half hours i mostly read breaking dawn - i'm more than halfway through in about 3 days, so i'm pretty proud of myself :). then my parents and i went to the college fair at valley. i got really useful info from really good schools that i'm looking into. and on the way out, my dad said something along the lines of "hey, want to drive home?" so obviously i responded with "heck yes! gimme the keys!" and i DROVE HOME! without my parents freaking out!!! it was GREAT!!

so now i'm really happy. :D. and the only homework i have tonight is math and spanish, and i just finished math really quickly. and spanish is a breeze. so i'll be making the remainder of the templates/designs for the Twilight shirts my friends (megan and liz) and i are making for halloween/the movie premiere, which will be EPICLY BEASTLY AMAZING! (the shirts AND the movie, hehe) - i'll post pictures as soon as i can.

ohh and i'm ridiculously excited to go with megan to her teen vogue fashion u program thingie - i get to go to a concert and fashion show in NYC!! woot!!

so i need to finish spanish so i can make templates and get to bed before 11:30 (hopefully) because i happen to be exhausted all of a sudden.

till later. xo

can you see me?

2008-10-21T21:12:00.004-04:00

can you see me?

i'm right here.

shoved in the corner,

behind the shady tree.

i don't think you can see

what holds me here.

it is you.

it is them.

it is the world.

and it is me.

can you help me,

find my way out?

i'm lost,

and under pressure.

i'm confused,

and overwhelmed.

someone, help,

even if the only way

is to put a smile on my face.

can you see me?

AHH!!

2008-10-21T16:54:00.005-04:00

two things to say:

the Twilight movie comes out in EXACTLY ONE MONTH!!!
i've started rereading Breaking Dawn, and i can't believe i managed to peel myself away to come on here and post. plus i have to do homework, so its even MORE shocking that i stopped. ;) it is such a phenomenal book. i was so close to crying for most of the 205 pages i read in the past 18 hours or so.

everyone: READ TWILIGHT! hehe.

but seriously. read it. it is the best saga written. officially my all-time favorite (obviously;i've read each book at least once (with the exception of Breaking Dawn, which is in theprocess of being reread, as i mentioned earlier), plus i manage to fit something relating to the saga and/or movie into thought or conversation just about every hour of the day).

i know i sound like a crazed obsessive fangirl (i'm not denying it - just stating a potentially controversial fact ;P ), but it really is such a phenomenal story - it engrosses you, and you can barely peel yourself away for much of anything. you live every feeling (at least i do...;) ). you yearn for each page. you just need to learn what happens next. and, at the end, you pray for the story to continue, so you reread and revisit the wondrous universe that is Twilight. i strongly recommend this saga to everyone - any age, male or female.

ok so i really need to go do some homework.

till later. xo ^,..,^

TWILIGHT!

2008-10-18T16:03:00.004-04:00

33 DAYS UNTIL TWILIGHT COMES OUT!!!!!! ^,..,^
till later. xo

*EDIT*
the widget is on the sidebar!! if you want it, or a different widget, go to TwilightTheMovie.com , the official movie site! some things there include: the trailers; widgets; and a link to the site for the official soundtrack!
oh, and go to Twilighters.org . that site is AMAZING! they have all there is to know about twilight!

new header!

2008-10-17T22:59:00.004-04:00

hellloooooo there!! i was in need of some creative distraction today, so i made a header picture! [well technically i took a sample and got really creative with it, but shhh ;) dont tell!] what do you think? :D

mehh? i wa--? is tha--? HUH?!?!

2008-10-10T17:25:00.002-04:00

for all you readers who are not yet in 11th grade: IT WREAKS HAVOC ON YOUR MIND AND LIFE. BE PREPARED.

for all you readers who are past 11th grade: WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN US AND TRY TO PREPARE US BETTER?!

and lastly, for all those currently in 11th grade: WHY THE HELL DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?! COULDN'T THEY HAVE SOMEWHAT WARNED US, PREPARED US BETTER? and why does EVERY TEENY little frustrating ounce of stress build up to such a MOUNTAIN OF HELL?!?! :'( i know we will make it through this jungle of stress eventually, because of the millions of people who have done so, but now it feels like it's not worth it, it's too difficult from EVERY DIRECTION.

this is currently the story of my life (which is why i post so infrequently now). other than the fact that Twilight comes out in 6 WEEKS FROM TODAY!!!! (but i plan to see it at the midnight showing the night before!! lol).

ugh. time to do homework or PSAT work.....

till later. xo.

GRR!

2008-10-06T22:48:00.002-04:00

i have an important announcement for you all:

THE SATs AND THE ENTIRE COLLEGE PROCESS SUCKS. IT TAKES OVER YOUR LIFE.

thank you. that is all.

overwhelmed

2008-09-23T22:45:00.004-04:00

sorry i haven't posted in so long, my anonymous reader. i've been so overwhelmed. by everything possible. and i don't even think i can get much of anything out here. but i'll try.

school is so frustrating, so difficult, so.... so TIME CONSUMING. there's so much stuff to do, in addition to homework. the tennis team schedule is different every week, and i never really know what i'm doing until about a day before. plus TAC is starting up, and i'll have a lot to do for that soon, as treasurer and as an active member. and relationships..... wow. i'm too flustered to say more than that. and it's all relationships... with my parents, with my friends, with certain others... ugh. i can't keep up; i can't get much of anything to go even close to the way it should. and i'm awful at making plans with people, so that just adds to the frustration. and the stinking SAT's. gosh. i HATE them. im taking a class, and it's so much work, and i just can't do it anymore. hopefully i'll be able to be consistent with that after tennis season...

just overall, i kind of hate it all. it's so frustrating. and it just... overwhelms me. constantly. making me feel....closed in, stuffy. like there's a fleece blanket over my head. i need a certain someone... to be there... for comfort... and support... and that would probably even tone down some of the stress in and of itself...

she's been wronged!

2008-09-06T19:25:00.004-04:00

if you, my readers, have not heard, stephenie meyer, the acclaimed author of the twilight saga and the host, has been terribly wronged. someone has illegally posted about 150 pages of her new book midnight sun to add to the twilight saga. she is so depressed by this that she has put the writing of midnight sun on hold indefinitely. i am very depressed by this as well, because i was really looking forward ot the new book. stephenie is taking this year to write some other books, and will possible and hopefully return to the project after some time.

if you want more specific information, check stephenie meyer's site and kaleb nation's blog, listed below, respectively. the third link is a petition to show your support of stephenie, of which i was the 898th signature. the fourth is another petition, of which i am the 393rd signature.

i have also posted a "support stephenie meyer" button made by kaleb nation on my sidebar to show my unconditional support of this wonderful writer.

hellooooooo!

2008-09-06T12:09:00.003-04:00

hello there, my mysterious readers. sorry i haven't posted in about a week, but the bat mitzvah stuff got crazy, then school started, and ugh. but here i am! so here's some summary to start with:
my sister's bat mitzvah was fantastic. she did a phenomenal job in temple saturday and looked beautiful all weekend. i didn't mess up my torah portions too badly at services either. ;) the party was sooo much fun. and my speech was great, i made myself cry a bit. i loved seeing all my family and friends last weekend, and i am so glad they could all celebrate with us. and those who couln't come were greatly missed.
school started thurscay, and it's ridiculous. i've had two days of it and i'm already stressed and tired and crazy. i already have homework - from school and my SAT class. i have 5 textbooks, most of which i have to carry around, in school and to and from home. i do have friends in classes, but still...it's school. and the begininning of the year. so i don't love any classes yet. well, except for fashion design; i know i'm oging to have an AMAZING year in that class, im so excited! :D
and tennis news: i got to play second singles matches thursday and friday, the first two matches of the season, against ramsey and indian hills, respectively. i lost both my matches, but i played much better against indian hills. i'm learning from my mistakes, and hopefully next match i play i'll do even better and maybe i'll even win! woohoo!! oh, and my one of my bestest friends janet adn her mom came and watched my match agains IH, and i am sooo glad she could come!! it means so much that they came. I LOVE YOU JANET!! <3

and boy troubles are no better...i have three classes with him, and he sits right near me in all three, and i'm going CRAAAAZY!! he is right there, but there's not much between us. i'm too nervous to talk to him a lot, and i just...meh. i wanted to talk to him in the hall but i didn't want an audience. i tried on aim last night, but he didn't respond, and i don't know why. and it's killing me. i was fine last weekend, even until thursday. but its like the duct tape i had holding the hole together got weak and worn, and the hole is left open. and he's the only one that can stitch the hole together completely and securely, and it just isn't happening, and i don't understand why. i need to hang out with some friends, and do some shopping, maybe that will suffuce as the duct tape for a while...but it won't last much longer than a few days, maybe a week tops - but that's doubtful....

so i'm off to try and figure out my plans for tonight, because hurrican hannah is interfering with them....
til later. xo.

a design

2008-08-29T00:50:00.003-04:00

so here's a design i made while sitting and listening to my family talking...its not amazing, but the general idea is pretty good...

it's probably my simplest design recently, but here's a bit of an explanation:
- the top is pink with subtle red vertical stripes, and that's a fold-over collar with small pleats.
- the skirt is a knee length denim pencil with a pink zipper down the front, and a small 2 inch slit/opening in the center of the hemline.
- those are red patten leather pumps, circle/curved closed toe.

holy crow!

2008-08-28T18:28:00.007-04:00

HOLY CROW!! the bat mitzvah is upon us! adn yes i know it's only thursday, it seems like its early for it to be bat mitzvah time, doesn't it? well, my mother officially has become a crazy loon as of about 9:45 this morning. it's been on and off (but mostly on) pissy-crazzy-ness. family and friends flew in and are flying in as i type, and they're all coming for a bbq dinner tonight. 14 people to feed. my mom is NUTS.
and my sister cheli (the bat mitzvah girl) and i went to the cantor this afternoon to have a final practice before the event. and guess what i did. i didn't know my second torah portion well enough, and i messed up, and gor frustrated and pissed at myself, and (i can't believe i'm admitting this to you, my readers) but i CRIED. and it was pathetic. i realize more and more how mcuh i AM bella swan cullen from Twilight. instead of crying from sadness like normal people, i cry, like bella, when i am furiously mad and frustrated. i guess it's a plus to realize i'm so much more like one of my favorite characters than i thought...
on a happier note, i finished all the booklets! thats right, i tied two rainbow pieces of ribbon to 180 booklets. they look amazing! lol. ill try to upload a picture asap.

so i should probably go do SOMETHING helpful around here before all the family comes and my mom gets back from driving cheli to a bat mitzvah (yes, thats right. my sister, cheli, the bat mitzvah girl fro this weekend, has ANOTHER PARTY that she is going to - one of her best friends'. i turned down a sweet 16 because of her, and now she's escaping the crazy mother beast by going to a party. ah well. i get my adoreable little cousins to myself for a while! woohooo!!!
til later. xo

*EDIT*
as i posted this, my uncle came in, and we had a talk...he gave me some really good advice, just to be careful with how i talk to my parents and respond to them, and i really appreciate it. (although he said stuff that frustrated me, it helped, and he even made me cry!) i love him for it.

and another design

2008-08-27T22:48:00.000-04:00

so here's another design of mine, i just finished it about 10 minutes ago.

for some reason in the past few days i've been really in the mood to design...maybe it helps me de-stress....and, i love some of thsi stuff! ;) maybe i'll get to make some this year, since i'll be taking fashion design in school, so maybe i can use one of my designs...i'll see how it works out!
till later. xo

some designs

2008-08-27T13:31:00.007-04:00

so i'm into fashion design, and over the past few days i've been doing some designing and sketching. here's what i've drawn (sorry the photo quality isn't great, i can't scan them in):

i...i just...i can't

2008-08-27T00:42:00.003-04:00

i...i just...i can't.
i can't do this anymore.
it's just too much
for one person
to handle.
why
why
why.
i shouldn't have to deal
with all
this sh*t.

i have
too much
going on.
celebration
stress
anticipation
anxiousness
worry
heartbreak - but thats the wrong word for it.
it's all
too much
to bear.

i have to write a speech
but i just have no clue what to write at all.
i have to practice to perform for the crowd.
i have to get him out of my mind
or at least just put him to the corner for a while.
because he
is putting me
through HELL.
i shouldn't be in so much pain
because he has done NOTHING.
but THAT is why i hurt so much.

i'm in too deep.
i've fallen too far.
it's too late
to stop,
to change.

i want to feel his hand in mine.
i always imagine it there.
i imagine his smile, warm smile.
i imagine his eyes, sweet hazel eyes.
i imagine his face, close to mine.
i imagine his sweet, gentle voice.
i imagine his gentle chuckle.

it's all too much for me.
all of it.
not just him.
he just adds to it all;
to the stress,
to the worry,
to the anxiousness,
and even to the happy.

i hope it all gets resolved soon.
but for now,
i...i just...i can't.

stressing...

2008-08-26T00:30:00.004-04:00

hello, hello. i'm stressing. about EVERYTHING. my sister cheli's bat mitzvah, as a general thing and the small things that go with it - my lack of a speech, the torah reading i need to know perfectly, the fact that tons of family is coming in on THRUSDAY, and that i hope my clothes fit perfectly (or else i'm totally fucked). not to mention school starts next week, plus i still have to read the jungle *shudder* by like thursday, or else just not read it. so yea, i have a LOT to deal with.

and, on top of all that, i, like so many otehr teenage girls, amd having boy trouble. so much that i can't function half the time. the guy i like is depressed over missing camp, i get that, but he doesn't even, like talk to me. less than our usual awkward not-very-talkative conversations. so i don't know what to do. and tonight, i feel sooo depressed over him. i was buckled over for about 5 solid minutes, just...holding myself together. just...keeping th hole in my chest from ripping me apart. and i don't have much of a reason to be so depressed, other than the fact that i have NOTHING. even though at the start of the summer, i figured taht by this time i would have SOMETHING, other than looking forward to awkwardly talking to *him* and hoping he'll eventually ask me out....

i'm going to go hold myself together some more, and maybe try to somehow go numb and crawl into a black hole, if i can't somehow get my mind off of all this...
til later. xo

some artwork

2008-08-25T15:40:00.003-04:00

so here's something i drew last night/this morning, finished around 3 AM.
it's a fairy trapped behind her window to the world.

tell me what you think!

failure at tryouts

2008-08-24T14:44:00.009-04:00

so i had tryouts for the school tennis team yesterday and today. they were basically just so the varsity coach could see if any of us had a shot to try with varsity players. i wasn't feeling too confident to begin with. but ooooh, he just HAD to keep saying "you're all definitely jv players, without a doubt." and "hit it aggressively" and "its ok, good stroke, just out" etc. i think he meant it as encouragement. but some girls just started playing THIS YEAR! they aren't as good! why is he giving the same critiques to ALL of us? we don't hit the same, we all have different levels of skill! he was NOT HELPFUL!

this is what i feel like doing to someone...maybe the coach? hmm...

so if you couldn't tell, i'm on jv AGAIN this year. THIRD YEAR IN A ROW. i tried really hard to at least get close to making varsity, or at least to TRY to. but NOPE. i have "a good, strong shot, good stroke" but i have to "hit it more consistently." GRR!! i was GOOD. but i feel worse, because there were underclassmen better than me there. EFFING FRESHMAN. getting TOP SPOTS on jv, and even varsity spots. i freaking hope i can make the top 10 on jv, so i can actually play and actually show something for all my hard work.

so yea. i'm frustrated, upset, and a pit peeved. so i'm going to find a wall to slam a ball against...or work out somehow.
til later. xo

You Never See It Coming

2008-08-24T02:39:00.005-04:00

There is a saying
That some believe
That we fall for people
Because we are waiting
For the right person
To catch us.

Obviously he wasn’t
The one meant
To catch me.
Even though he could be
And maybe he should be.
But he isn’t.
For some reason or another.

Well, I guess I fell
For the one
That would not
Catch me.
I thought he was the one
That could,
That would.

But he pulled his arms out
From under me
At the
Very
Last
Second.
And I fell to the ground.
So hard, so fast.
I didn’t see it coming.
Maybe I could have seen it coming.
But emotion makes you blind.
And you just

Never see it coming.

yo yo yiggity yo!

2008-08-24T01:55:00.004-04:00

so um...hi. this is my first blog about kinda whatever i wanna post about. so i guess here's a bit of an intro to um...my blog, i guess? ;)

so yea. i know theres 6 posts on here about the awakening. those were assignments for my english class last year, and i worked so hard on them i don't wanna get rid of them. sorry, but just deal.
i love art - especially creating it. and fashion. sometimes the two mix. and i sometimes write poems, or even make up songs, when i have no other way to get my emotions out, so i'll occasionally post something on here for you, my mysterious, unknown readers. (o.O)
oh, and i am obsessively in LOVE with the twilight saga. it's THE BEST SAGA EVER. if you have not read it, please immediately go look into getting a hold of a copy of at least the fist book, twilight. i'll wait, right here, take your time, as long as you get it....

...ok, so you should have somehow arranged getting twilight for yourself. read it. it's AMAZING. seems slow at first, but just hang on and keep reading, it gets soooo good! if you can't get a copy now, try to read it asap, at least before the movie by the same name comes out on november 21 (3 weeks earlier than the original date, i might add!!! eep!!)

and um...hmm...what else should i write about?....
oh! i play tennis too. and my school tryouts were today and are tomorrow too (well now they were yesterday and are today, since its after 2 AM). i'm an incoming junior whose been on jv for the past 2 years, and has improved, and will hopefully at least get a chance to attempt a varsity spot. if i don't make varsity, i hope i'll at least get to play a lot on jv...oh well, either way i'll get to play the sport i love (and the only one i'm really good at, actually).

so um....yea. i can't think of what else to write about right now....maybe if i think of something, i'll post again...till then,
xoxo

Edna's Point of View: Post 6

2008-05-04T23:12:00.010-04:00

Things have changed. I do not feel happy as I did before. My freedom has brought me oppression. Oppression from myself, from loneliness. I have changed the way my acquaintances feel about me, not so much for the better. And, it seems as it had changed Robert as well. He was very reserved. He did not come to see me often. And, when he did, it was not as pleasant as our times at Grand Isle were. Yet I let him alone, and allowed him to be reserved if he pleased. Yet, that was not for long...
I had found a secluded garden and spent much time there. On one of my frequent visits, Robert happened to come in, again not expectant of seeing me there. I urged him to dine with me, and he eventually agreed. I questioned him as to why he never visited me, yet he gave excuses. I let him alone, not desiring to make him or myself uncomfortable with the other. We returned to the pigeon house and talked a while. Then, the most unexpected thing happened.
Robert kissed me.
It was wonderful. He admitted to have gone to Mexico and returned because he tried fighting his love for me. He had even dreamed of me becoming his wife! Yet he knew, as do I, that it cannot happen, for I am wed to Léonce...
I had to depart for an hour, which I very greatly regretted not long after, but promised to return as soon as I could. Robert said he would wait for me. We exchanged our words of love and I departed. When I returned I found a scrawled note from Robert, reading "I love you. Good-by -- because I love you." I could not sleep through the night.
I am now on the beach of Grand Isle. It is beautiful. I love the sea. It will always be here.
Robert, though, may not. There is no human being whom I want near me except Robert. However, I know the day will come when he and the thought of him will also melt out of my existence, leaving me more alone. I would not give up the freedom I have gained, yet it has brought me trouble. And now, I cannot change it.
I shall end my life where I truly began to live: here at the sea, at Grand Isle. It was here that Robert first awakened me to the freedom I could obtain for myself; here that I began to discover my true feelings for those involved in my life; here that I began to discover what I needed to. So it is here that it shall all end, where I learned to swim and felt my freedom for the first time. The ocean gave me freedom, and I shall return that freedom, and allow it to wash over me, over what it has helped me become. And I shall wait for it to wash me away with it, into the eternal freedom it contains.
It is now the "later" that I have waited until, so this is all from me, for I now go to join the sea.
Edna

Edna's Point of View: Post 5

2008-05-04T13:47:00.001-04:00

I feel so much more independent now. I am renting a small cottage, called the pigeon house by Ellen, and have moved down the street from the monstrous home that Léonce forces me to stay in. Now that he is away, I feel so much freer, and that the home is too large. I am bringing only one servant with me to the cottage, old Celestine. I have the money that my father sends me, plus what I earned at the races weeks ago, and desire to stay there until I die. I am much happier there, and I can paint and draw more, without the annoyance of servants bustling in and out and the largeness of the home.
I miss Robert so much now, and I always think about him. Since I have never received a single letter from Robert, Mademoiselle Reisz gave me all the letters she had received from him for me to read. She claims that he loves me and is trying to forget me. But if he loves me, he would not be trying to forget me! He would write to me often and be away for less time- to be able to see me more.
And now, Robert has returned home! I am very glad, yet upset and confused as to why I was the last to find out, two days after he has returned. He did not even tell me himself, nor visit me as soon as he arrived, as I had expected and dreamed of. It was Mademoiselle who told me he was coming, when she showed me the last letter she had received from him. I was in her apartment when I first saw him after his arrival, and he did not expect to see me there. I was so surprised and happy that he was there and I was really seeing him after so many months, that I could not stand up from the piano bench. We talked for a while, then we walked and returned to the pigeon house. I invited him to dine with me, and I asked him to tell me about his travels in Mexico. He told me that he enjoyed his time in Mexico, yet realized that there were the same economic possibilities for him there as here, so he returned. He showed me a tobacco pouch that Mexican girl gave him, since he lost his own. I grew jealous of her, yet I am unsure as to why. He said she meant nothing, and I believe him. I shan't worry about her...
Robert seems intimidated by Alcée. He should not, though, for Alcée means nothing as well. Only Robert matters, only his opinion matter. And I love having him home. Yet, somehow, Robert seemed closer to me off in Mexico...
Until later,
Edna

Edna's Point of View: Post 4

2008-04-28T18:15:00.005-04:00

My emotions and desires are putting me through much confusion. I am unsure whom I desire and love, for it changes in the moment...
First was when I went to visit Mademoiselle Reisz to hear her beautifully play the piano. She informed me that Robert had written to her, mentioning me from beginning to end. I was surprised at this. For one, he did not care to write to me at all, yet wrote to others regarding me. Not only that, but she would not let me read it! Eventually she gave in and handed it to me, and I read it to the sounds of the piano. I read every sentence, word, and letter of it, and I found myself crying in the dim light of Mademoiselle's porch.
Then, after my father had departed with the gift and clothing he had purchased for my sister Janet's wedding, which I refused to attend, I found more confusion. I was alone for the first time in a long while. Léonce had gone to New York for a long trip; the children had gone to Iberville with Old Madame Pontellier. At first I was distraught and depressed at Léonce's absence...but, later, I found peace with my solitude and grew happy. I found interest in ordinary things, as if it was the first time I was seeing them. The bright flower garden; the children's doggie; and even the house and the items within seemed new and exciting to me. I painted on bright and sunny days, for it mellowed me and sparked my creative desires. However on dark, rainy days, I was unable to create, so I found enjoyment with my acquaintances in the city. This led to the worst event of all...
Alcée Arobin invited me to the races with him. It was fun, and I made some money on the horses. However, he asked to come into the house to get some matches to light a cigarette, for he had none. A few days later, Arobin again invited me to accompany him to the races. I did hhave fun again, yet it was strange, for it was only us two. He drove me home, and came inside for a while. He showed me a revolting scar on his wrist, and I grew ill. He apologized for doing so, and kissed my hand. I grew angry, and desired his departure. He made me very uncomfortable, for his gentleness and seduction were great, yet he meant nothing. I was, and still am, afraid of what Robert might think of this situation had he known.
I do not know where my heart belongs, nor where it wants to. Sometimes do not worry about Léonce, for I do not love him as I once thought I did; yet other times I feel as if he is everything, and I love him uncontrollably. Yet I do not think of my husband constantly. It is Robert who is constantly in my heart. <3 ......
Wait...I understand now, my fluttering heart, my confused thoughts. I love Robert. I miss Robert. I must see him. I hope he shall return soon, for it has been too long since I have seen him, since my heart has felt peaceful. But i can wait for him forever if I must, for he is my love...
It is late, and I grow tired, and I have forgotten to write a letter to Léonce once again. I shall tell him of my luck at the races...
Until later,
Edna

Edna's Point of View: Post 3

2008-04-25T19:30:00.005-04:00

Robert's departure for New Orleans then to Mexico was very sudden, completely unexpected. He decided to go after we had spent much time together. He did not even think to tell me of his plans! I find that I was more fond of him than I realized, and I think the same may have been true in his case, for he seemed disraught when he left. I was so torn when he left...I was so upset...and it seemed I was the most affected by his departure, especially because every person inquired whether I missed my beloved friend. They did not understand that it made his absence more prominent and more flustering...
Now that we have returned home, my relatonship with Léonce is changing as well. I do not feel as close with him, nor as concerned with him and his actions. One Tuesday, he was especially displeased, with the dinner the cook prepared and my absense from the house and my callers, and departed to find dinner elsewhere in the city. I forced myself to finish the dinner by myself, then retired to my room. I threw a small tantrum, and broke a vase. It was inapropriate behavior, yet I needed an outlet for my emotions.
I feel that my life is strange, not belonging to me. I do not feel the same as before. I am always thinking of Robert, regardless of the fact that I am trying desperately to forget him. I long for my friend, for my infatuation will not subside...
I have discovered a freedom in myself, a freedom to make my own decisions. I do whatever pleases me, whenever it happens to please me. I am not as focused on my duties as a mother and as the woman of the household. I come and go from the house when I please. I paint much more often now, using the boys and household help as my subjects, as well as other objects around here. But, the changes in my life and my behavior feel correct. I am ridding myself of my simulated attitudes and traits and actions which I have become accustomed to since my marriage, and I am developing what is myself, what is my true behavior and personality. Léonce may think that I am mentally ill; he could not be more incorrect. I am perfectly well, especially because of my discovery of my freedom.
Perhaps my freeing acts are ways of masking my longing for Robert...my dear friend, who I miss terribly... No, I must not think about him at all. I must keep my mind off of saddening ideas, for it depresses my paintings. I want to go find a pleasant, happy subject to paint, perhaps the flora of the yard?...
Until later,
Edna

Edna's Point of View: Post 2

2008-04-24T13:46:00.007-04:00

Mademoiselle Reisz is a wonderful pianist. Her playing moved me so; it gave me the feeling of freedom and strength. The party moved to the beach, and we went into the calm water to swim. I was mystified to discover that I am able to swim! I felt so powerful and free, and swam away from the others to cherish my newfound ability and strength. A feeling of exultation overtook me, as if some power of significant import had been given to me to control the working of my body and my soul. Swimming in the wondrous ocean, I feel as if I have been awakened to my strength and my senses. It reminds me of the time in my childhood in Kentucky when I walked through the endless fields.
My time at Madame Antonie and Tonie's home was so wonderful and peaceful, I slept so soundly as I have not slept in a very long time. Robert remained to keep my company when I awoke, and brought me home. He departed when was not utterly necessary, I felt a longing to be in his company. My relationship with Robert seems different now, as we have become closer and almost more fond of each other's company.
I feel as though the entire island has changed, but it is only me that is different. I do not care for the thoughts or opinions of others. I only care for what I feel in the moment, living nearly on impulse. I think I may return with Robert to Madame Antonie to rest in the afternoons much more often. Yet, it may worry Léonce about my health and what I will do there. I might visit her once or twice in a week, so not as to worry my family. ...
Oh, it seems as Léonce is returning from Klein's presently, I must go to greet him.
Until later,
Edna

Edna's Point of View: Post 1

2008-04-23T21:07:00.000-04:00

I am so unhappy.
I do not like the amount of responsibility I have. I am not the mother my husband believes I should be, but I cannot help it; I feel as if I am too young to be a mother. I do love my boys, they are wonderful and beautiful; yet I am not as attentive as Léonce is, nor as he believes I should be.
I cry often, and I am not very sure why. However, I feel as if it is because I do not feel the attraction between Léonce and I, as I did years ago. When he had to leave for business, I was not overly upset nor concerned with his departure. When I recieved one of his expected gift boxes, and i passed its contents around to the ladies, they all said that Léonce is the best husband in the world. I was forced to admit that I knew of none better. I realize that I do not entirely believe my statement.
I feel as if my only comfort is the sea...it is so inviting and seductive.... I am tired now, and will go to lie, facing the sea...
Until later,
Edna

Chapter 8: In the Camp

2008-03-31T12:02:00.009-04:00

My time here at the training camp is almost over. It has been rough, on rations and on training. I was assigned to guard the Russian prisoners. They are so miserable. They stand at the fence and sometimes beg for food or cigarettes. Some even dig through the German trash cans for scraps, although there is never much there. They try to trade for food, but don't have much left.
I feel bad for the Russians. They look so sad, and seem just to drag on living every day. When my father and sister came to visit me, they brought me some jam and potato-cakes, and I gave a couple to the prisoners. I also broke my cigarettes in half and gave them to the Russians. Although I love the cigarettes, I know that the Russian prisoners are worse off than I, and I want to show them that I do feel bad for them. The others here at the camp just ignore them; some even kick them. I hope this war will be over soon, for everyone's sake.